Trying to live anxiety driven life

Life has always been good. But there were days during my early childhood and young adult life where anxiety would creep in and take control of my life. And by take control, I mean totally lose control and feel like there was no air to breathe.

Anxiety has been in my life for more than 25 years and it can range from the smallest of things to large changes that can flip my world upside down.

Over the last year, anxiety took control of my life. I had some major changes in my life that caused triggers to be in full swing.

You can’t breathe when you have anxiety. Sometimes literally but most of the time it is a feeling that is completely overwhelming that you feel so vulnerable to the world.

In the last year, I lost my Grandma and Nana. The two women in my life besides my mother that were my world. Leaving me completely lost as they were a huge part of my life and constants that I could trust in always being there for me. And now they both are gone.

My daughter went from preschool at a private to kindergarten at a public school. The realization of my child growing up and not being my baby anymore was so overwhelming that I ended up being hospitalized on her first two days of kindergarten which devastated me even more because I missed it.

But I could not control my anxiety and fears I had for her. I was prescribed medication for both anxiety and depression, but only ever took my anxiety medication.

It became a daily routine to take my medication, a daily routine that I knew had to end because not that I don’t believe in medicine but I knew that I could heal if I started to address what was really at the root of my anxiety.

Which it could make worse, but if I worked through it maybe I would end up with being able to find ways to deal with my anxiety.

After many late night talks with my husband, we decided that seeking therapy would be the best.

I had been through counseling when I was in elementary school for my early stages of anxiety that would cause me to fear that something would happen to my dad when he worked late.

So this wasn’t new for me, but it was still scary to pour out my feelings to someone I barely knew.

After a year of therapy, it has been life changing and difficult to address some of my deepest fears and things that cause anxiety. I have been able to recognize my triggers and still working on recognizing new ones, but there is progress.

Happiness is returning to my life in pieces. I don’t deal with death well at all and I miss my grandmothers so much but I try to remember the legacy they left me with every day.

Trying to live an anxiety driven life has caused so much pain to not just myself but those who have had to deal with my anxiety attacks. But I am so thankful for those who have stuck with me through it all and still sticking with me to this day.

I know that I will get through this and writing will be a key to part of my healing.